How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
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looking for a job in america is kinda wild
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
Got a light
Enjoying a few cups of coffee at my enormous kitchen island while being scrutinized by my two friends, one of whom has a torso that is physically inside the island
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
I saw God in a dream and all he did was brag about making Pedro Pascal
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
“Dave, don’t, he ain’t worth it bro”
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.