How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
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(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”