How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
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Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
hello darkness my old friend
why are you here it’s 6:00 pm
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
I ran 5 miles this morning. That bee was huge!
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
