How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
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My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
Eugene Levy & his wife invited me to a non-alcoholic party.
Drove my Chevy to the Levys but the Levys were dry.
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
This is painfully accurate 😅
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
