How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
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hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
Fellas, be sure to never ask a lady any questions on a date. This makes them feel interrogated. Strong declarative statements only
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
Just my luck I get a hypnotist with pink eye.
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
when I go to parties I always bring my own plunger
the simulation is moving too fast
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.