How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
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I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
Kids, do not try this at home!
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
Damn he played himself
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?