@zacharyflynn

How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.

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@bobvulfov

(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that

@SatansTongue

(bed bath and beyond)
*walks to beds*
Wow nice beds
*walks to baths*
Wow nice baths
*walks through intergalactic wormhole*
Wow nice beyond

@ohpegah

“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.

@mommajessiec

Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?

Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.

@FSUSteve

Just because a guy wants to see you naked it doesn’t mean anything, I know a guy who drove 2 days to see a donkey show.

@CArmanthegirl

I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate

@Jason_Horton

I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it