Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
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As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
If you surround your house in police tape, the odds of you being robbed drops dramatically.
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
I wonder why call them backup vocals. Was there ever a time the lead fainted and the backup took over the mic and the show went on as usual?
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
Don’t let people tell you that life after college is nothing but being poor and tired. It’s 100% true, but it’s more fun if it’s a surprise.