How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
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A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
uber driver is making small talk with me and asks me what i do, so i said i study philosophy, and he immediately says “oh nice man you hear it was Kant’s 300th birthday a few weeks ago? i bet you people went wild for that”
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
9yo: Do you prefer chocolate or vanilla?
Me: Depends on the day
9yo: Let’s say it’s a Tuesday
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
Might f*** around and reply to all work emails with “make me
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.