Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.

And I’ve said too much.

NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash

my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together

Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.

*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*

Teller: holy shit

Me: what

Teller: you suck at art

UK and US word differences

UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns

You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it

I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.

Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.

“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl

You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.

Them: Name something you’d like to try in the bedroom

Me: How about a full 8 hours of sleep

Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.

Me: *has cold*

Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe

I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.

The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014

Amazon Prime: can I take your order

Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg

Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no

Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol

Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job

We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”

I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.

Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?

Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.

Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…

me: *responds maybe to a fb event*

wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY

I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”

inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert

Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.

My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE

Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please

You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.

Get in the van!

me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!

*jogs after van*

When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.

I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.

*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils

I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.

Now it’s syncing.

#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes