How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
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Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
There’s no “u” in narcissist
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed