Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?

Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later

Pollen: lol, ok

Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.

“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.

The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.

This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.

shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years

Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week

Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich

Therapist:

Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon

Therapist:

Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think

Therapist:

Me: Why do you look so sad

My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling

“What do you know about atoms?”

“Very little.”

“Besides that.”

Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.

Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.

I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.

[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit

A manager I worked with when I worked in fast food told us.
There was this one kid who didn’t show up for work. He ditched work often, so the manager called around, and couldn’t get anyone to fill in his shift, so she had to fill it for him.
A few hours into his shift, the dude ditching SHOWS UP, with his friends, and orders food from that manager. She fired him on the spot

Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.

Parents in the 80s:
Bye.

Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.

Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.

I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.

It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.

I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…

Stewardess – Are you a comedian?

Me – Yes

Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”

(Watching Planet Earth)

DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day

ME: hooray I wanted this

DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies

ME: Oh no why did I want this

dictator is short for richard potato

If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.

Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT

Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.

watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic

If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.

[inventing tupperware]

make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti

All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.