“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
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Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
This makes total sense…
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
My grade school was so tough when we picked teams for dodgeball you had to be sure to get at least one kid with 1st aid training
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.