How about a scale that will sense when you’re about to eat something you shouldn’t and then yells at you from the bathroom.
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Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.