how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
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Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
My boss just left which means I have finished all of my work for the day.
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
#winning
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
The “baby” on the left….
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.