how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
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Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.