Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]

SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?

9yo: Do you prefer chocolate or vanilla?
Me: Depends on the day
9yo: Let’s say it’s a Tuesday

Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:

The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one

Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.

As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.

So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill

I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.

Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”

And he can, he can hold them all.

my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????

4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?

Me: Would you eat them if they were?

4: No!

Me:

4: Unless I had ketchup.

I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly

just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968

Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns

Light as a feather, smorg as a board

My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.

The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest

TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!

All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.

What’s the matter, babe? You’ve barely touched your spaghetti cube.

My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”

I’m suddenly having trust issues.

What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?

Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.

We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.

When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt

Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.

There are 2 types of buyers in me:

1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago

2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??

Me: I look like shit today.

Shit: you wish buddy.

I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive

British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley

I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.