-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
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[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
What?!?
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
Guy who likes music
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.