How about daylight saves us for once
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What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
In honor of the fall equinox I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
Before Fatboy Slim was an international DJ he was a chef for William the Conqueror.
He was a Norman Cook.
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
I asked my mom what she was doing and she said oh just watching trail cam footage and I asked of what? And she said, of a man stealing a trail cam.
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes