Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?

While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.

I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.

Has anyone ever died from waiting for a group of people to decide what they want to eat.

[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS

“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.

I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.

Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water

[Interview]

Why do you want this job?

Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around

Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.

Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?

if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.

1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.

2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.

My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.

*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’

I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.

just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic

4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee

“This just in..”

My foot to my mouth.

OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE

No one on Facebook can believe their kid is turning ANY age

‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’

~ The monster under my bed

Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue

I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.

OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?

(knock, knock)

He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!

*My pizza delivery guy.

You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.

Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!

I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.

Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.

I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.

As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases

“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”

-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.