“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
You Might Also Like
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
If you show up to a baby shower holding a sickle, nobody complains that you didn’t bring a gift.
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
“Theirye’re” problem solved
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
everyone’s blaming media illiteracy for ppl mistaking poo crave for pop crave but babe that’s just regular illiteracy 😓
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People