“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
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A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
First draft: “I’ve almost finished it”
Final draft: “it’s almost finished me”
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
What if you’re only given pork to eat in the afterlife? Would that be eternal hamnation?
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
I’m taking my teen driving so if I don’t make it back just know my last words were probably “HIT THE F’ING BRAKE!!!”
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner