“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
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Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
oh, you’re in a situationship?
are you the one with commitment issues or the one with low self worth?
Does anyone else’s spouse insist on eating and drinking in the car while driving?
My wife has spilled so much stuff in her car that it looks like the movie Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs was filmed inside it.
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”