“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
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As a doctor, I can confirm
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
If I was a boss I would treat my goons right. They would know love. “You got it, boss” will be met with “Stay safe out there, boys. You’re my pride and joy”
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
Hacker: Give us your password or else
30 minutes later…
Me: OK, now try 1987 and three exclamation points
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
just got CPR certified if yall know anyone dead or dying tell them hml
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me