Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles

The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.

Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.

Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.

[jaws theme plays]

Me: omg

Shark groom: omg she’s here

I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.

Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah

Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this

After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.

[stabbing you with a knife]

I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.

I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.

[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this

A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.

When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.

Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.

If I owned a dog daycare I would call it Deez Mutts

Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died

[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”

Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.

Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured

Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?

8: If I promise to be super super good all the way until I’m 10, can I get a phone for my 10th birthday?

Me: Ok. Can you put your lunch box away?

8: Nah, I’m kinda busy.

Me: I thought you were going to be super super good?

8: Yeah, I’m starting that when I’m 9.

The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.

Me: What word?

The child: Funking.

Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.

age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable

age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable

[Subway]

ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*

can anyone recommend some good behaviours for someone who just started behaving

Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”

Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document

The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.

adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”

My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are

If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting