Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so

“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”

it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test

I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.

When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.

Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.

I’ve had poops that lasted longer than the tiktok ban

When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.

Me: You’re so selfish!

Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.

Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..

a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl

doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]

I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.

imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down

Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese

UK English: colour, realise, marvellous

US English: color, realize, marvelous

Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.

[first date]

Date: well I had a great time tonight.

Me: me too.

Date: give me a ring sometime.

Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-

If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.

*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought

I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late

My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.

time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys

If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.

Drove by a woman with her car broken down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.

i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years

“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!

For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.

This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.

Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.

I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.

A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.