“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
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This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then