“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
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You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
I was really excited to see the Wicked movie until it got shoved down my throat in product placements. Now I just want to drop a house on the marketing director. And steal their shoes
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
I don’t work from home because there are too many distractions. My house has a TV and a PlayStation and it’s impossible to concentrate on these if I have to work.
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
Beware of fowl play.
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room