Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.

People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants

…or whatever that saying is

I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.

We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup

[ Pirate ship stricken with scurvy ]

Pirate: yarrrr when is life gonna be givin me those f****n’ lemons.

When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”

Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.

Me: I didn’t

[bounce]

Me: buy the kids

[bounce]

Me: a trampoline.

[bounce].

In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.

say hello: the new iphone will be able to make phone calls

Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.

Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.

Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.

When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”

Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff

My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.

Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America

Me: me too kid, me too

Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨

Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.

Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…

DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?

If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.

If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.

I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?

*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.

Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”

“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.

The worst outcome of the Kendrick Lamar/Drake beef would obviously be escalating physical violence but the second worst would be if this was all leading up to a Sprite commercial.

Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT

Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man

financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?

me:

Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.