Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!

those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz

First rule of Botox club:

Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.

The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.

My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.

I love being an adult and sitting absolutely still and suddenly I’ve hurt my neck somehow

Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.

Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly

I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course

I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean

there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial

You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.

Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants

Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.

Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!

Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.

16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?

Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.

16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.

Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.

16: Exactly, pick something else.

Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..

So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.

“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out

ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*

You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products

7: [eating a bunch]

me:

7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.

me: that’s a good way to put it.

I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”

Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 years

Angel: horses?
God: 20

Angel: cats?
God: 15

Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTY

Angel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about flies

Angel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol

Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.

Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.

My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.

I’ll only give a restaurant a 5 star review if the couple at the next table are breaking up.

who’s gonna tell her?

I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*

Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?

Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.