how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
You Might Also Like
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
Not now. I’m deglazing.
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”