how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
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I have a photographic memory, but I’ve run out of film
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
Some guy in the middle of my Nosferatu screening took out his phone and googled ‘Nosferatu’
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
Hmmmmmmm….
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂