How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
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If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
If I was a weather man I’d leak the weather early to pretty women
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
I really want to retire but these stupid bills just keep
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.