How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
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one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble