Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.

I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….

Hold on…Imma need a calculator.

When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.

If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”

eye doctor: please read the top line

me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad

eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading

Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.

son: how did I get my name

me: *holds up baby name book*

son: ugh terrible

me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526

Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.

😂

If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.

The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate

I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.

How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.

SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels

[later]

SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit

Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.

writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it

Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.

Second person to try hang gliding: Wow thanks for letting me be the first person to try this

Inventor: Suuure

10:03pm
Wife: Honey, can you put away the left over chicken before you come to bed?

Me: Sure.

11:09pm
Me, eating the last of the chicken: I feel like I’m forgetting something.

Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.

a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”

I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.

[after a zombie encounter]

me: you gotta shoot me

friend: but what if we find a cure

me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please

Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.

whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!

“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”

wow ok you did not age well

Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad

Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven

He was only called Mr Pepper until he published his groundbreaking research on fizzics.

How does someone manage that 🤨

When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.

I know this now.

Going to buy several and turn them into a casserole to pass out on Halloween

HER: i love mythology

ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too