How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
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Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
✌️
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
Gross negligence implies the existence of tasteful negligence
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
If there’s ever an alien invasion I hope it doesn’t start while I’m asleep. I hate being woken up before my alarm.
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count