How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
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80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
(watching Elijah Wood in lotr, maybe the best casting in the history of cinema) Well that’s certainly one take on the character
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
Is there a Black Friday sale on Hot messes?
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
I’m going back in time to kill whoever invented the wheel so we never have to hear the phrase ‘circling back’
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁