How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
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You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.