“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
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If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
Be the reason someone burns sage.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
I love you…
…r dog.
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward