“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
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Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
I try not to tweet when I’m happy…because I respect you guys and what we do here.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.