Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.

It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”

Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.

which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose

A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.

Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.

I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.

Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241

I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this

“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat

My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.

Apartments show you 44 pics of the lobby b**ch I ain’t living in there

[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”

i’m sure it’s fine

there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories

you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too

Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.

Yes, my kid will do the required amount of maths homework for a 6yo… when he has kids and they turn 6.

Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.

Working at any office is like “Ok we’re transitioning to Salarya, but payroll is still in Bullfrog—did you see my Noosecock post? Submit your timecard on Fireplayce then jizz me on Smackdog . Do NOT upload to Crackerz without Yammer approval

I’m voting [cheers] for a third party candidate [boos] in a blue state [mixed response] in the chalamet lookalike contest [quizzical looks]

I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.

ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?

Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.

My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.

Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of Netflix

Me: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead

peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig

I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.

In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.

Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING

If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine. Also, I’ll tell my mom