How actors in movies eat their food
You Might Also Like
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
Maths meets science
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.