How all things should be taught/explained.
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The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.