How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
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*seductively peels off lederhosen
[ Pirate ship stricken with scurvy ]
Pirate: yarrrr when is life gonna be givin me those f****n’ lemons.
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
Used makeup concealer on a zit with an artistic precision that would rival da Vinci.
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
paddle faster i hear baby shark
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.