Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless

You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.

If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.

Follow me for more recipes.

[police chasing man on foot]

Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!

Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.

Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.

new workout goal is to have a body where after I commit a crime, the media posts my shirtless pics and everyone’s like WOW

[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childish

her: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday

If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.

Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.

I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.

My favorite part about wearing a romper is getting completely naked in public restrooms.

My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.

The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.

Me: I’d like to read a comedy by Shakespeare

Librarian: which one?

Me: William

Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.

Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.

“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”

3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.

Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.

My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.

– My neighbor

I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.

there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.

In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day he checked the comments and replies, and got the idea for hell.

I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”

If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily

Walking around the house in my undies again…

Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind

If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.

Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car

The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.

[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.