“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
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Nice try Hitler
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
Alaska’s Passive Aggressive Map of the USA
say cheese: the new iphone will have a built-in camera
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
I hope this is the year my teen learns how to turn off a light when she leaves a room.