“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
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I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
apparently this year was written by stephen king
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.