Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you casually mention at the reference desk that this morning’s been pretty quiet so far, library staff will react as though you just screamed Macbeth at the top of your lungs seventeen times in a theater.

Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.

I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)

I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.

It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!

Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.

Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink

There’s a scientist with the same name as me, so whenever I Google myself, the results are like:

“Our Top Ten Dad Jokes!”

“Neat Sci-Fi Story!”

“High CO2 and the geochemistry of the coralline algae Lithothamnion glaciale”

“Fire Dept Saves Man With Head Stuck In Chicken Bucket”

COP: where were u between 1 and 2

ME: in a diaper

COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night

ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk

7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.

Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.

I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked

Dear microwave companies,

Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?

Sincerely,
Everyone

Girl, are you an environmentalist?

‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.

Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?

*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.

I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.

[on a date]

him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.

me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*

I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”

Me: I made you a CD.

Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.

I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.

[optometrist interrupts me] the bigger letters aren’t louder

Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”

Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”

Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.

Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫

*kneels to pray*

“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”

My wife is napping quietly and the villain of this story is about to be this sneeze.

My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.

Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.

Me: I think you mean between you and me.

Her: I don’t mean either now.

NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.

GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.

Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out