How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
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@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
Statisticly 6 out of 7 dwarfs arent happy…
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
I’m totally onboard with the public outrage. I’ll be watching the Olympic women’s beach volleyball solely to point out hidden satanic messages.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, I’m never sending you nudes again.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”