How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
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I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
Me: *hasn’t eaten a tomato in 4 months*
“Ten tomato plants should do!”
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
I think the bowl of ice cream I ate earlier gave me a stomach ache so I ate a another bowl to make sure.
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
Should I be disturbed by the way my 8-year-old daughter plays doctor? I was her patient today, and she just made me fill out forms the whole time.
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
Beware of fowl play.
