How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
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*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
me to God
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
So sick of all these stupid rules
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
Well, when ppl tell my “Happy birthday” I reflexively tell them “Happy birthday” back, if that makes you feel any better
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?