How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
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I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.