How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
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I was eating sour haribo sweets at the movies one time and I rubbed my eyes and my mates have teased me for years about “crying” over a fucking Avengers movie
I get badly burnt by the sun, hate garlic and can be killed by a wooden stake through the heart. I wonder if there is something my uncle Vlad never told me.
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
Not the sharpest cheddar on the charcuterie board…
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
How to woo a woman
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah