How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
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“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
no
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
Me going back to a library branch I used to work at to pick something up
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?