What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
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Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
“Sheer Arrogance”
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
The answer is funnier than the question
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3