What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
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At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
Roses are red, you always mattered,
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
Who called it baking and not making love
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do