How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
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Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
So it turns out that all my early 20 something co-workers have been speculating behind my back that I was a teen mom, but I can’t even be mad about it because it means they thought I was 28.
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party