Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

love to click “no borders” on my excel spreadsheets. like hell yeah brother. one world ✌️

Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.

Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work

Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.

I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰

*God creating Eminem*

This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.

PLOT TWIST:

Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”

Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.

[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]

EARTH: yo

GOD: what?

EARTH: send nudes

GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*

EARTH: nice

“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”

First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos

Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.

HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.

*First Date*

Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.

Why did they call it painting your toenails and not graffeeti

Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.

You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that

Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused

I swear to god after this election I’m taking a long break from social media for 2-3 hours

*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*

I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.

9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.

*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college

You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle

At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.

You should be tunashamed of yourself!

[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!

The 9 levels of midwestern anger

9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”

liiiiiiiiike

Squeak, squeak, squeak!

The enemy of my enemy is my friend. But I’m my own worst enemy so I guess I’m also my best friend.