Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“How much for this toaster?”

“An arm & a leg.”

“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”

“A leg & 3 fingers.”

“Deal!”

– Cannibal Pawn Stars

My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful

According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.

[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office

Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*

I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.

My chess strategy is eating one of your pieces every time you look away.

me: dentist said the kids have the plague

wife: plaque

me: yes a memorial would be good

Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.

ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.

they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”

Yes, this is exactly right

Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.

You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.

Me: Don’t question my art.

Dear Televised Sports Injury,

We saw it the first time.

Thanks.

TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family

Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby

Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart

“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.

You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.

Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality

“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully

Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say? 

2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!

I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.

“Smell ya later”

-me, to my asparagus

True.

Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve

Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”

I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”

“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks

Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT

I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.