Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell

“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”

“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”

“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”

My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime

Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.

[Victora’s Secret]

Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?

Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.

Me: they’re my service bees

Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you

Me: they’re trained

Went to cancel a streaming service that was $10.99 a month and they were like “Lol ok you got us how about $2.99?”

Going to spend tomorrow cancelthreatening every service in my life.

“What’s wrong with you?”

Me: the same things that are always wrong with me…were you expecting something new?

Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.

one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name

Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.

If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink

I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.

The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.

Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.

Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.

My daughter just asked me why can’t she just quit school.
I told her it’s against the law and I could go to jail for it.

She looked me in the eye and said….

“I’ll visit you”

Live, Laugh, Love

Leer, Lunge, Lactate

Do things that start with L

it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.

[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]

Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.

[broken down by the side of the road]

ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.

crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free

I was on a search party in the forest last night.

Bit of a boring party.

We found a dead guy though.

*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness

*speed dating*

So which of my teeth is your favorite?

My wife wants a Ring Doorbell. I claim not to want one because of security concerns but in reality I don’t want her to find out how much food I have delivered when working from home.

Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.

I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.

This is amazing.