How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
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Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
My husband says he doesn’t understand why I hate grocery shopping so much, because he doesn’t mind it. And by “grocery shopping,” he means a quick run to the store for ice cream, treats, and snacks. You know, the “essentials.”
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
“What do you mean a baguette isn’t a female bag?”
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.