Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.

Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?

Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies

I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have

I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.

Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?

stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did

michael scott: that’s what she said

Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.

When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.

Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.

For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.

To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.

CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home

I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it

911 what’s the emergency

“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”

Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*

A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.

Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my report

What I imagine it’d be like if I had a job

John Wick: contract killer

John Wink: lady killer 😉

*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*

Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.

Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?

Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.

Dracula:

Her: oh

I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days

Don’t throw away old pyjamas. Collect as many pairs as you can, and in the middle of the night spread them out on Russell Brand’s front lawn so that when he wakes up he’ll think he’s missed the Rapture.

Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark

Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.

Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅

Trying out a new chicken fried steak recipe tonight because I think it’s important for my kids to learn to reject lots of different kinds of foods.

a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath

@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!

I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1

Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here

Also me: I wonder how I can contribute

There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.

I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.