How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
You Might Also Like
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
i’m gonna allow it
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.