How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
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I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
my lawyer: ok brent we are all here
me at the reading of my will I insisted I do thru ouija board: *takes ten minutes to spell out good evening*
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
Life cycle of cat
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
Pee pressure > peer pressure
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
You know you’re a bad cook when the dog won’t lick the plate.
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
I wonder if my date ever found her way out of that corn maze.
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of