Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.

Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively

Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company

-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?

-It’s haunted by a low level demon

Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful

Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot

the Monday after daylight savings

Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.

I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.

“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.

I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.

Help, I’m hurt.

Try Lavender.

He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on

My children, who were born two years apart, recently informed me they are actually twins, that they know this on a soul-level, and that what happened was my youngest got tangled in a tube inside me somewhere and just sort of… hung out for two years on accident

Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.

I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.

Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.

love pickles so much i put myself in one

Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section

If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.

(in job interview)
my greatest strength is how quickly i can create a hostile work environment and my biggest weakness is that i love too deeply and im constantly befriending fake people. i have no experience as a barista.

if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks

One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.

Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”

I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.

That was a trip down memory lane

Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed

Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.

So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-

Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…

[letter to vitamin company]

So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff

“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point

*Husband playing computer game*

Me: I’m going to go pee.

Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.

Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.

Husband: OK. Enjoy.

I’ve never met a cake I didn’t want to fork.

Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.