Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.

Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario

We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.

{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”

Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”

Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.

Chefs: you eat with your eyes first

Me, eating with my mouth: oh no

superterriblemorningexpialidocious

GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational

ANGEL: ok cool

GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol

You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?

My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??

Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.

[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s

[Death row]

Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.

Sunday August 25th is Banana Split Day! And where do they make the best banana splits?

Sundae school.

I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.

ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?

HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops

My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.

Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.

Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.

I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles

“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.

ㅤ

sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school

People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.

hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺

A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.

Aight bet

We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.

ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?

WIFE: For real

ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.

5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”

Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it

5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”