Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.

I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.

Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.

Me: …dare.

Me: is this dishwasher safe?

Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not

Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.

Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.

Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime

My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.

[in bed]

gf: I thought we could experiment with toys

me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear

*gets crushed by a bus*

*checks to see if phone is intact*

The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses

I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match

Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floor

Banks, What’s exactly your problem 😭

Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.

Me: A strained what now?

Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.

It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.

(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!

Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.

Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.

You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.

Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.

Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq

I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1

normal people kissing:

•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the world

people with glasses kissing:

•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp

Me: I want beer

Cashier: ok how much

Me:

Cashier:

Me: I want it so so much

– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?

– Rhino

– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn

My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.

Her: My computer is running so slow!

Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?

Her:

Me: Is it less than 500?

Her: Never mind.

Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.

My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.

Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.

Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”

I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.