Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.

a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain

[abruptly stops playing my air banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME?

[first guy to be sent to hell]

guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup

I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.

2016: imagine the worst case scenario.

2019: no, not like that, worser

Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”

Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life

Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel

Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?

Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.

My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing

When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.

Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee

Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.

Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.

Boss: But we’re not serving food.

Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.

I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.

I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.

911: what’s your emergency

me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball

911: again?

me: he won’t listen to us

My gf is so sweet… We just had that silly “hall pass” convo, ig she didn’t wanna make me jealous with a hunky celeb so she said some random nobody from her job ☺️ and she wasn’t remotely intimidated when my answer was Anna freaking Kendrick 😅

Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?

Roman: Just the one, thanks

If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like

toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]

Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter

[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT

The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids

At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.

Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck

My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.

When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.

He’s a pickpocket.

Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”

Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.

bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs

My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss