How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
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My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
My Uber driver has crazy rules. I can talk, but anything I say can be used against me in a court of law?
It’s also kind of alarming that he has a full laptop setup and a shotgun in his front seat.
The cuffs I understand. Never can be too careful.
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
If you respond, “My bra is too tight” every time a coworker approaches, they will stop asking you questions.
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
i’d rather hurl myself into an active volcano
-me politely declining dates
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
The ’90s were a time of blissful ignorance where we expected rock stars to sleep with groupies.
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
If you love someone, let them tweet.
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
the clam before the storm
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
Just seen a wild goose, think I’ll chase it. Surely this will be a fruitful endeavor