Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

same vibe as tangled headphones

Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.

When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.

The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.

I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it

“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”

The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.

Of course the five second rule is in effect, have you seen grocery prices?

me: *applies to cult*

cult: no thx

When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.

What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?

All you can yeet.

I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.

I swear to god after this election I’m taking a long break from social media for 2-3 hours

WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there

Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd

Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them

I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.

The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.

Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.

If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.

What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.

You wear a jacket when you’re cold.

You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.

#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes

“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour

It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?

It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.

[the seventh day]

God: *walks in wearing bangs*

Angel: maybe you should rest

hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat

If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.

Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.

*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne Johnson

The world finally knows what the Rock was cookin

DR: Good news and bad news

LADY: What’s the bad news

DR: Your husbands dead

LADY: *crying* Oh my god

DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is