How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
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Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
When do elections stop being the most important ones of our lifetime because I’ve been through like 5 of those
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
Told my kids the music video Land of confusion by Genesis freaked me out as a kid, so they wanted to watch it…Freaked them out too. Family traditions are important
What’s fuzzy, green, and if it jumped out of a tree it’d kill you?
a pool table.
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*