Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.

Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:

“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”

oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed

You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.

Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep

KID 911: wats ur emergency

SON: cant find my shoes

KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?

SON: yes!

KID 911: then it is lost forever

Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.

According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.

Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.

when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?

Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.

“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.

[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]

ME: i’m sor-

HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?

People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.

There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.

the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.

*scroll*

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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]

*scroll*

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I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.

“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am

Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.

Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.

Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.

Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.

Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower

*gives date flowers*

Here. I murdered these plants for you.

When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.

the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Me: Yes.

Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?

ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea

My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.