How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
You Might Also Like
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
*launders Kohls cash*
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
When ever I read an autobiography, my biggest question is always, how the fuck did you remember all that?
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
i broke into my neighbors house and put one (1) pringle in their bag of lays potato chips
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
When he asks for feet pics
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
Exercise won’t cure your depression, but it will make you hotter than your ex. Which is sort of the same thing.