Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.

Teen: Huh?

Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.

Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!

me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]

Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.

[Spelling bee]

Your word is Monogamous.

M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S

*2 Judges stare at each other*

1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”

I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.

Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.

If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.

Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.

I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.

The fact that we don’t hear the words “free quote” and burst into laughter always amazes me. You aren’t going to charge me to tell me what you’ll charge me? Calm down, Karl Marx.

The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.

*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed

Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.

1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?

I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.

“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*

The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.

I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line

Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”

The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.

Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.

INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no

It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others

The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.

Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet

Friend: slim fast?

Me: wine

Why font matters.

If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.

Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.

Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.

I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.

Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”