How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
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i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
You are not alone 💚
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.