Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.

ME: *tying hotdogs together*

Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?

Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!

I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.

Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?

Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.

me: hit that tree with your fist

hitman: that’s not what i do

me: hundred bucks

hitman: no

me: will you punch a house

Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”

I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.

dril cadence

Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship

2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk

*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…

Then it’s a soap opera!

Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.

Him: You’re some eye candy.

Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.

I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.

Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.

Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol

Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.

Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:

Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.

My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.

Frankenstein?

“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”

I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full

Me: Did u get a haircut

Dad’s brain:

don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it

Dad: No I got ’em all cut

DATE: do you want kids?

ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?

idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah

Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”

Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser

“…Actually the position has been filled”

This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.

Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.

[heaven]

darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this

Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.